Expected
by Zero.Elektronik
Summary: Tweek expected it, in the end. It's 5am, and the blonde is reflecting on his time with Craig. Creek/Angst/Slash.


**Warning: Slash/Yaoi/Faggotry**

**Done for the 100 theme challenge.  
**

* * *

It's 5am. It'll be another 3, maybe 4 hours before I decide that it's safe enough to sleep, because oh god - it's not just gnomes anymore man, no, no no, there's like, monsters under my bed; waiting for me to fall asleep so they can crawl out and devour me. My mother says it's just animals outside making the noises but I think she's lying - Hell, what if she isn't lying and there is animals outside, making terrible noises until the early hours of the morning; what if they try to get me!? That's not the point though. I guess. No, It's 5am. Well, 4:57 to be exact - but you always complained when I was so precise, didn't you? I'm sorry, so, so sorry. You can't hear this apology though, and even if I apologised to your face, you'd shrug me off and tell me to stop being so damn annoying. Annoying. That's what I am to you. You can't stand having to put up with my outburts of paranoia - when I can't talk, or sleep for days because i'm so scared, so worried, and I can't stop shaking. The shaking, the twitching; it must have drove you mad, secretly - you always held me tighter when I twitched, late at night when I was still awake, keeping whimpers quiet whilst I stared at the wall, and you lay behind me, arms around my waist, barely awake. You'd hold me tighter until the twitches calmed themselves and became less frequent - but I know deep inside you'd be pissed off at me keeping you awake. I'm sorry.

* * *

The first time, it was 4 months. At least, I think; summer always did go fast. It was so nice, new and refreshing I guess. It'd been a long time since someone was so...so nice to me. I didn't expect it to happen, but it was nice while it lasted. You never complained, but I hardly kissed you - It took me weeks to have the courage to kiss you, God. I guess I didn't want to be a bad kisser, or something stupid like that. I held your hand so tightly. I always moved a little too far away for you sometimes, I couldn't stand how you touched me. It wasn't because I was replused - oh god, please, please don't think that - It's because I was scared. I told you I wasn't good enough for you, god, no, no one deserves to have to put up with me - and hell, least of all you. I clung to you, made myself quieter, less paranoid, less frightened for you, and whilst it was sweet, and warm like a coffee with one two many sugars - it wasn't right for me; Though it was nice while it lasted, I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't risk hurting you because of how stupid and paranoid and god, how pathetic I am. I didn't want to show you how awful, annoying, weird I was because, God, what if it turned out you hated me? I didn't want to lose you. I'd have done anything for you, hell, I probably still would. The whole time, I was so, so paranoid about you and the only other friend you had then. You've gotten more popular, somehow - even though nothing changed. I saw the way you looked at each other and somehow I knew there was a history between the two of you - I didn't need to be told about that. In the end, I did what I probbaly shouldn't have done - it only seemed like the right thing to do back then, and I risked it. I risked our relationship and our friendship. It was a stupid mistake and sometimes I miss it. Sometimes I regret it. It ended. You said you expected it; you weren't phased by it at all and if I would just shut the fuck up - you don't want to listen to my explanations, the ramblings i'm feeding you because I don't think this was right, I don't think it was doing us any good, because you don't want to hear me talk anymore. You don't want to know why. You said you expected it.

* * *

It was 5 months, the second time. You asked me out again and it was months, literally, months before I even aknowledged the question and replied. But it didn't work this time, either. You'd come back off holiday, the previous week before you left we'd been having arguments. Again. I wasn't what you wanted; I was too paranoid, too untrusting, too scared to tell you how I felt about you incase you hurt me - well, i'm guessing that was the reason. Everythings out to get me man, why should it be any different? You'd whisper quietly when you took my hand, leant close against my ear and told me you loved me, quiet enough that sometimes even I didn't hear. You didn't want people to know, did you? I told you I didn't love - truth is, I don't know. My feelings all blend in sometimes, and it's usually worry and fear that I feel. I'm so sorry. I drove you away, I drove you so far away that now we don't even talk and when we do, on rare occasions, we argue. I know it was a hard thing for you to do, to admit you cared after being so fucked over in the past by one too many people, I know it was hard. You still did it. I couldn't even admit how much you meant to me because hell, what if you used it against me, what if you mocked me for it? I knew, deep down, you wouldn't - but the paranoid voice in the back of my mind (well,I hope it's that, and nothing trying to take over my brain) kept telling me otherwise. I never know what I want, unless it's a choice between coffee and something else - which reminds me that I haven't had coffee in over..25 minutes. Oh god. I'm going to die. It's been a few months now. I guess I became more and more annoying to you afterwards, I tried not to be, Honestly. But now we hardly talk. Sometimes if I do start a conversation, I feel you mentally getting aggravated with me. I'm sorry. In the end - I drove you away, because I knew it wasn't me you wanted. I helped you during some bad times, because you were one of my best friends; I didn't want to lose you, but it didn't matter, because I knew every time you kissed me, every time you held me - It wasn't me you wanted. No. It was him. You two had been best friends since Junior High, I could never tear you two apart, not that I wanted too, but sometimes, I did. But it wasn't me you wanted, afterall. You didn't realise this though, well, maybe you did. Maybe you just used me because you couldn't get your own damn way for once and I let you because oh god, I craved the affection off you. Somewhere along the way, I found myself needing you. Eventually, you realised this, though the timing of this was just...somewhat perfect, I guess.

* * *

So, It's now 4:59am. And i'm making myself a cup of coffee and as I do, I glance at the things around my room. There's a photo of you on the wall from when we were dating - though you can't tell that. There's a hoody on my floor. I brought it a few weeks ago and it took me a while to realise it's the exact same as the hoody you left here, and I wore it every day to school until you came round, and I returned it to you. I didn't noticed this when I brought it. Or maybe - it is yours. And I stole it in the dead of the night because sometimes, sometimes I miss you, and you're looking for it right now, and you're cold, because i've stolen it and oh god - i'm such a bad person. My hands are shaking, the bulb in the light is getting dimmer - It must be breaking, which means i'll have to fix it but ngh - I'll end up killing myself, so i'll end up relocating downstairs. More noises. More things to go wrong. But at least I won't be reminded of you, will i? I'm shakily holding my phone, pulling on my hair and wondering what to say to you. "I'm sorry." - No, you'll end up yelling at me for apologising too many times when I have nothing to apologise about. "Please, take me back." - No, too desperate; It's been established you don't want anything of this sort anymore, and I know how pathetic i'll sound - I'm not making a fool of myself. So I take a slow, long sip of my coffee and slowly write out the words, closing my eyes as I pick your name (though this takes a few tries, I choose the wrong names at first) and hit send. You'll be asleep. I'll have to wait till morning to see what you do, how you feel when you know "I miss you."

* * *

Sometimes though, I miss the way things were. The way everything seemed to be turning out wonderfully last year, how nothing could go wrong. I miss when Token and Jimmy would hang out with me everyday, how close I got with them. Hell, sometimes I miss the school and all of the memories held within it. Sometimes I miss you, and the way the you acted when I said one simple phrase - and I made your whole day better. Not Clyde. Not Token. Me. You told me, before you ended it, that you stopped loving me the moment you realised I couldn't love you back. I never knew what to think of that. And then, a few hours later, you tell me what I already knew you wanted - more like who you wanted. But there's no need to go over it again, is there? I was angry, I didn't know how to react. I could have delt with the break up, but the fact you did that? It hurt. It hurt more than the boiling hot coffee that I spilled over my hands as a violent twitch hit me. I wipe it off, and I remember when you'd do it for me, kissing the burn better, then kissing the coffee off my lips as you held my hand. I'm okay now. I don't have those feelings for you anymore, i've moved on; believe it or not. I guess I expected it.


End file.
